Jokes, What else??

[Branflakes]

LOL, most of these are pretty funny.

*beats up batfreak for ATM joke*

------------------
The ninja lesbian milk getter. aka dorkflakes.
Take the time to feel the wind.
I'm tired of the silent majority. Silence equals death.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just reality challenged" -tyledras
Help Hostboard by using that search engine.
ChatterBox
Bran's Place

[batfreak]

Never beat the bat !!!!!!!!

>A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
>playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
>train stop & her son saying,
>
>"All of you ba5tards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is
>the last stop! And all of you ba5tards who are getting on, get your ass in
>the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
>
>
>The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of
>language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there
>for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train,
>but I want you to use nice language."
>
>
>Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with
>his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say,
>
>
>"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take
>all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today
>&
>hope your trip was a pleasant one."
>
>
>She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask
>you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no
>smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey
>with us today."
>
>
>
>As the mother began to smile, the child added,
>"For those of you who are pi55ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see
>the fat b1tch in the kitchen."


------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"

[Eden]

NEWF JOKE ALERT


Willy and Sam are walking down by the docks one day. Willy says to Sam "Y'see this dock, b'y? Me an' me father, we built this dock plank by plank. Took us two years! But does anyone call me Willy The Dockbuilder? No!"

They continue walking and pass a stone house. Willy stops to look at it and says to Sam, obviously irritated. "Y'see this house here, b'y? Me and me father, we built this house brick by brick. Took us five years! But does anyone call me "Willy The Housebuilder"? No!"

The two continue their stroll until they come to a statue in a park. Willy tugs on Sam's arm and points to the statue. He is quite agigtated by this time. "Would ya take a lookit this statue, b'y? Me an me father, it took us ten years, we built this statue chip by chip. But does anyone call me "Willy The Statue-Builder"? NO! ....

....BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!!!!!!"

------------------
nolite te bastardes carborundorum

[Jelymo]

well, now we know where the Newfie jokes originated ... damn irish ....



------------------
Amaris ab leporibus.

[Branflakes]

ROFL!

------------------
The ninja lesbian milk getter. aka dorkflakes.
Take the time to feel the wind.
I'm tired of the silent majority. Silence equals death.
"I'm not crazy, I'm just reality challenged" -tyledras
Help Hostboard by using that search engine.
ChatterBox
Bran's Place

[Firebird98]

A couple were in bed, talking when The boyfriend decided to crack a joke. He says to his girlfriend, "if your breasts could give milk, we'd be able to get rid of the cows. And if you could lay eggs, we could get rid of all the chickens."

She looks at him and says

"Well, if you could get it up, we'd be able to fire the pool guy..."

------------------
Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front

"You are such a whore."-Tyledras

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell

[batfreak]

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the
warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's
sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his
legs became sunburnt beyond belief. He could hardly
stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for
treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook
his head. "You must realize that this is only a small
village medical facility," he explained. "I've really
got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking
this just before bedtime..." The doctor have him one
tablet of Viagra.

Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn:
what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

"Not a thing for the sunburn," the doctor replied,
"but it will keep the sheets off your legs."


------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"

[batfreak]

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the
bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting
into tears.
Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no
Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me
now that grownups don't really fu*k, I've got nothing left to believe in!"
************************************************** **************************
*********
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says "All right,
little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Little
Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a
wank."
************************************************** **************************
*****
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in
search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks
in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
milkman usually get bucked off!"
************************************************** **************************
********
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little
girls have babies?" "No," said his Mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then
ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we
can play that game again!"
************************************************** **************************
********
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in
this situation. The correct word to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word
'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little
Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had
bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
************************************************** **************************
*******
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good,
Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and
it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. Last
night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant,
and he said, 'Beautiful, fu*king beautiful!'"
************************************************** **************************
*********
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his
mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I
need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several
times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he
peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into
his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking
himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
************************************************** **************************
***********
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth
grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual
innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, toward the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex
education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in
her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the
teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation,
the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone
Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they
all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two
guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with
sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those Indians not to fu*k with the Lone Ranger."
************************************************** **************************
*********
A Sunday School teacher was concerned that his students might be a little
confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His
birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few seconds. He
finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And
Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the
bathroom door, and yells "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"
************************************************** **************************
*******
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the
teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven
first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The
teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand. The little
boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about
love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's
hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny,
which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny
thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He
replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my Mom
had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
************************************************** **************************
*******
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy.
"Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem"
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy
"Oi've bought dis jigsaw and it's too hard, none of the pieces fit
together,and I can't find any corners or edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy
"It's of a great big cockerel," Murphy replies.
"Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look." He gets to Murphy's
house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh tanks for coming Paddy".
He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen
table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy - "For crying out loud
Murphy, put dem cornflakes back in the packet!"



------------------
"put the bunny back in the box"
"In god we trust, Every bugger else pay's cash."
"I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit."
"I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a f**k."
"Why do aliens always abduct stupid people??"

[La Luna Unita]

I think I lost a few brain cells with that last round...

------------------
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose

[Firebird98]

An ArMy Lt. Col was adressing his troops before a major field problem when he told them "guys, due to budget cuts, we can't afford blank ammunition. so, in place of that, every time you fire your weapon, you have to shout 'banga banga banga" to simulate the bullets."

One soldier rolled his eyes, and set out to secure his peremiter.

Soon, he sees a lone soldier marching up the field.

"Banga banga banga!!" he yells, but the soldier keeps moving.
"BANGA BANGA BANGA!!!" he screams, but the soldier keeps marching.

Soon, the marching soldier is right on top on the other soldier. "BANG-A BANG-A BANG-A DAMMIT!!! YOU'RE DEAD!" the first soldier shouts.

The marching soldier walks all over the first one, looks down and says "TANK-A TANK-A TANK-A!!!"

------------------
Thou Shall Not Spilleth Thy Beer
Enforcer for WiloeLeigh
Jely is my other sidekick
Ski and Tyledras are family.
If I'm right then I lose nothing nothing, if you're right I lose it all.
True friends stab you in the front

"You are such a whore."-Tyledras

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."
George Orwell

[This message has been edited by Firebird98 (edited March 06, 2002).]